Day 2: A day late, but I haven't failed yet
I didn't expect to be able to blog every day. So, I don't consider missing a day or posting a day late as a negative or as a failure.
Yesterday was hard. I woke up with anxiety and it stuck with me through the whole day. I think my dreams were unsettling, and I had a heavy conversation with my boyfriend just before bed about my insecurities and fears about the relationship, something which I hadn't previously shared. I'm usually a little late to the party when it comes to recognizing and sharing my emotions. I have a tendency toward self-reflection and feel like I have a strong sense of self-awareness, but I feel like my brain just processes my reactions and emotions really slowly, untangling and examining them in more depth than it seems like other people do. I know that there's nothing wrong with that, and I've learned to cope with it. However, it makes relating and communicating with other people very difficult at times because they don't understand why I waited so long to bring something up, and sometimes think that I did it strategically or for some sort of Machiavellian reason. I'm not a psychologist and it's easy to miss, or misconstrue, thoughts and emotions, so I like to wait until I feel like everything been sorted out into some sort of clarity.
By the end of the day, I had a dose of reality, and while it was unpleasant, it knocked me out of that anxious and insecure mode I'd been in all day and into the present. Said dose of reality? I had to take my boyfriend's dog to the vet to get checked out for diarrhea, and when I took her out to potty after the appointment, I ended up picking up soupy poo from a grassy area covered in those prickly thistle weeds. Then the pick-up bag slipped down, and I managed to stick my thumb in the whole thing. Unpleasant, but present.
Unfortunately, I immediately became anxious again when we were trying to get out of the house to go meet some friends at a local brewery (the same one I applied to on day 1, in fact). My boyfriend had arrived home late due to a long work day and long commute from Fort Collins back to Broomfield, and still had to shower and get ready before we left. I would have liked a shower, too, but I had to take care of the dog and administer the new meds and didn't feel like I had the time for a shower as well.
Although he'd offered to drive separately so I could at least arrive at the brewery on time, I didn't want to take two cars (I'm obnoxiously environmentally conscious that way sometimes. I haven't decided whether my concern for the environment should supersede my anxiety about being late, but it usually does.) I offered to drive because I figured he'd had a long day, a long commute, and I felt all right about the prospect at the time. Our lateness was exacerbated because people were driving slow, and because I always forget where the stupid turn is to get to that brewery, so we ended up circling the block looking for parking. On top of everything else, I hadn't drunk enough water during the day (and probably needed to eat, and maybe was getting muscle tensions), so I was started to get a headache. All of those things combined forces and stressed me out to the point that I was in tears by the time we arrived at the brewery, about 20 minutes late.
I felt better after a beer, and after my ibuprofen kicked in. Even better after we got dinner. But reflecting on it now, it bothers that I got so worked up over decisions I made, to the point that I started crying, when I could have easily made different choices that would have made me (probably) less anxious. I chose to wait for my boyfriend and be late even though he'd offered to drive separately. I chose to drive instead of letting him or asking him to drive when I know he likes driving and would have been happy to drive if I'd asked him. I didn't look up directions or ask him to look up the address (I rarely do when I know generally where it is) to at least check where the turn was.
All this leaves me wondering if I'm sabotaging myself and my own well-being because of external expectations (real or perceived). I was anxious about being late because I worried my friends would be upset (they weren't, and typically aren't). I offered to drive because, for some reason, I believed if I drove, I'd be more in control (a typical way I attempt to stifle my anxiety) and would get us there faster (false - my boyfriend drives faster than I do and always maps the route), but also because I believed that I'd be doing him a favor by my driving instead of him since he was likely tired of driving after such a long day and commute (also false).
I'm trying to think how I can reframe these thoughts, these perceived expectations, so that I can try to make better choices about even these small things instead of making decisions based on perceived expectations that end up causing me more anguish than is necessary.
Day 2
Positive self talk (me to me): You did a really good thing today, taking the dog to the vet. You could have prioritized other things, but you decided to be there for your boyfriend when he needed help, and that matters.
Job applied to: Part-time event coordinator at a local performing arts center
Good luck out there. Thanks for hanging in there with me.
Yesterday was hard. I woke up with anxiety and it stuck with me through the whole day. I think my dreams were unsettling, and I had a heavy conversation with my boyfriend just before bed about my insecurities and fears about the relationship, something which I hadn't previously shared. I'm usually a little late to the party when it comes to recognizing and sharing my emotions. I have a tendency toward self-reflection and feel like I have a strong sense of self-awareness, but I feel like my brain just processes my reactions and emotions really slowly, untangling and examining them in more depth than it seems like other people do. I know that there's nothing wrong with that, and I've learned to cope with it. However, it makes relating and communicating with other people very difficult at times because they don't understand why I waited so long to bring something up, and sometimes think that I did it strategically or for some sort of Machiavellian reason. I'm not a psychologist and it's easy to miss, or misconstrue, thoughts and emotions, so I like to wait until I feel like everything been sorted out into some sort of clarity.
By the end of the day, I had a dose of reality, and while it was unpleasant, it knocked me out of that anxious and insecure mode I'd been in all day and into the present. Said dose of reality? I had to take my boyfriend's dog to the vet to get checked out for diarrhea, and when I took her out to potty after the appointment, I ended up picking up soupy poo from a grassy area covered in those prickly thistle weeds. Then the pick-up bag slipped down, and I managed to stick my thumb in the whole thing. Unpleasant, but present.
Unfortunately, I immediately became anxious again when we were trying to get out of the house to go meet some friends at a local brewery (the same one I applied to on day 1, in fact). My boyfriend had arrived home late due to a long work day and long commute from Fort Collins back to Broomfield, and still had to shower and get ready before we left. I would have liked a shower, too, but I had to take care of the dog and administer the new meds and didn't feel like I had the time for a shower as well.
Although he'd offered to drive separately so I could at least arrive at the brewery on time, I didn't want to take two cars (I'm obnoxiously environmentally conscious that way sometimes. I haven't decided whether my concern for the environment should supersede my anxiety about being late, but it usually does.) I offered to drive because I figured he'd had a long day, a long commute, and I felt all right about the prospect at the time. Our lateness was exacerbated because people were driving slow, and because I always forget where the stupid turn is to get to that brewery, so we ended up circling the block looking for parking. On top of everything else, I hadn't drunk enough water during the day (and probably needed to eat, and maybe was getting muscle tensions), so I was started to get a headache. All of those things combined forces and stressed me out to the point that I was in tears by the time we arrived at the brewery, about 20 minutes late.
I felt better after a beer, and after my ibuprofen kicked in. Even better after we got dinner. But reflecting on it now, it bothers that I got so worked up over decisions I made, to the point that I started crying, when I could have easily made different choices that would have made me (probably) less anxious. I chose to wait for my boyfriend and be late even though he'd offered to drive separately. I chose to drive instead of letting him or asking him to drive when I know he likes driving and would have been happy to drive if I'd asked him. I didn't look up directions or ask him to look up the address (I rarely do when I know generally where it is) to at least check where the turn was.
All this leaves me wondering if I'm sabotaging myself and my own well-being because of external expectations (real or perceived). I was anxious about being late because I worried my friends would be upset (they weren't, and typically aren't). I offered to drive because, for some reason, I believed if I drove, I'd be more in control (a typical way I attempt to stifle my anxiety) and would get us there faster (false - my boyfriend drives faster than I do and always maps the route), but also because I believed that I'd be doing him a favor by my driving instead of him since he was likely tired of driving after such a long day and commute (also false).
I'm trying to think how I can reframe these thoughts, these perceived expectations, so that I can try to make better choices about even these small things instead of making decisions based on perceived expectations that end up causing me more anguish than is necessary.
Day 2
Positive self talk (me to me): You did a really good thing today, taking the dog to the vet. You could have prioritized other things, but you decided to be there for your boyfriend when he needed help, and that matters.
Job applied to: Part-time event coordinator at a local performing arts center
Good luck out there. Thanks for hanging in there with me.
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