Day 24: The Week of Responses
This week has been very communicative. I've had one in-person interview, received 5 (!) responses, 1 positive (though when I replied, he failed to reply back to set up an interview time), and 3 rejections, as well as one that was not a rejection, but a notification that there was a hiring hold for the position. I appreciate the notice, as I've been through 2 rounds of interviews a couple of times in the past only to never hear back either way, and now I got the heads up on that issue right away. Little things like that restore my faith in humanity.
I'm still only at a 20% response rate overall, and there are only 7 days left (maybe I'll allow more time for replies after my challenge is over, since I'll still be applying through the 31st). And I'm still only at a 6.6% positive rate, since I'm not counting the one I got this week requesting an interview didn't reply after I replied to him.
The main thing I feel like I'm struggling with right now is the other part of my challenge. Being nicer to myself, not allowing my mind to fall into the incessant loop of negative self-talk and criticizing myself, catastrophizing everything (sweating the small stuff and making all molehills into mountains). Despite my new confidence, my new enthusiasm, my so far successful habit-building at applying to a job a day, and my new commitment to change my situation, my anxiety has still been extremely high and has caused both physical and emotional effects the last couple weeks.
Physically, I've had trouble sticking with my new exercise plan - yoga has fallen off already :/ - my back, neck, and most troubling, my jaw, have been the exterior focus of that anxiety and tension. My neck was so tight yesterday that I couldn't do one of the exercises I've been doing for my tendonitis because it was too sharp and too painful. I asked my boyfriend to work on the tension in my back and shoulders and my shoulder blades and neck were riddled with knots. At least 5, probably more, and there were 3 alone in my upper left shoulder. Also, my lower back seized on me a few days ago when I tried to reposition myself from laying down to sitting up at an angle, which, although I've had trouble with my lower back (I blame poor posture at my day job), I don't think it's ever seized on me like that and felt so painful I literally couldn't do anything right then except lie back down the way I was.
And then there's my jaw. I've had issues with jaw clenching and teeth grinding throughout my life. A few years ago, I got a hypnosis CD for use at bedtime and over the course of a few weeks of use, it essentially ended the pain I felt when I woke up and sometimes throughout the day from clenching my jaw or grinding my teeth while I slept. I have had a day here or there since that time where I woke up with the same pain, but those days were few and far between that I was unconcerned. Those days have become far more frequent and this week, have been much more severe than they have been in years, to the point that yesterday, my teeth felt sensitive if they even touched each other gently while I spoke, and I had to actively work to keep my tongue out from between my molars (chewing on the side of my tongue is another anxiety side effect/anxious habit I have experienced, sometimes while awake, sometimes asleep).
Yesterday was better. I'm still anxious because I have a job interview (I'm mainly using it for practice because it seems a little too boring to get stuck in for who knows how many years), and just in general because I have a lot on my mind - work, after-work/weekend plans, scheduling - but the massage helped loosen up my neck and shoulders, and perhaps indirectly allowed my jaw to relax a bit, and I also did a lot of self-massage on my jaw to loosen it up so it isn't nearly as painful as it was. Still trying not to chew my tongue, but it's better than yesterday, and that's something.
Emotionally, I almost feel like my anxiety has manifested in even worse ways, and honestly, those issues are probably partially why I'm having physical symptoms as well. I feel like less forgiving and understanding than usual, more irritable, and I feel like I'm not always getting very restful sleep lately, which makes me even more irritable and short-tempered, and I feel like that negative self-talk and catastrophizing has just gone off the deep end. In emotional effects unrelated to anxiety, I think I'm also having some mood swings related to PMS, so that's always fun to add to the mix.
The catastrophizing has been really difficult to manage, because it seems like every time something goes wrong - pretty much anything - my brain wants to conflate the issue, aggrandizing into a much larger issue and assigning myself all the blame for it, even if I wasn't to blame at all, or just marginally at fault. This is causing me extreme anxiety, because I'm almost constantly in a fight/flight mode, afraid people are thinking terrible things about me, my stability, or my capabilities. It sends me into a near panic attack, a sobbing, self-deprecating mess, or a fit of rage, lashing out because I'm so emotionally overwhelmed by the thought that I may have done something injurious and didn't realize it. It's been difficult to manage, when I do manage it at all, and especially energy-draining. I have been taking time for self-care, but I think I need to over-correct in that department until I feel like my anxiety has decreased a significant amount. I've been considering professional help, and pharmaceutical aids (something I'm terrified of because I had such negative experiences with prescription side effects in the past), but I'm not sure my health insurance includes mental health visits, or enough visits to make an impact. Maybe that's not a good excuse, but if I start going and don't have sufficient coverage, I know the added financial burden would worsen my anxiety. Feels like a catch-22.
I'm hoping I'll think of something. Even if it's a temporary fix, bringing the anxiety down to a more manageable level again would be a welcome shift.
Day 24
Positive self-talk (me to me) : It's okay to take time for yourself. You sacrifice that time to accommodate others all the time, even without them asking, when they would have almost always been fine accommodating you if you needed them to. You do whatever you need to do to take care of yourself and feel good about yourself, and there is no need to feel guilty for saying no, maybe, or maybe later. People are more understanding than you think.
Jobs applied to:
I'm still only at a 20% response rate overall, and there are only 7 days left (maybe I'll allow more time for replies after my challenge is over, since I'll still be applying through the 31st). And I'm still only at a 6.6% positive rate, since I'm not counting the one I got this week requesting an interview didn't reply after I replied to him.
The main thing I feel like I'm struggling with right now is the other part of my challenge. Being nicer to myself, not allowing my mind to fall into the incessant loop of negative self-talk and criticizing myself, catastrophizing everything (sweating the small stuff and making all molehills into mountains). Despite my new confidence, my new enthusiasm, my so far successful habit-building at applying to a job a day, and my new commitment to change my situation, my anxiety has still been extremely high and has caused both physical and emotional effects the last couple weeks.
Physically, I've had trouble sticking with my new exercise plan - yoga has fallen off already :/ - my back, neck, and most troubling, my jaw, have been the exterior focus of that anxiety and tension. My neck was so tight yesterday that I couldn't do one of the exercises I've been doing for my tendonitis because it was too sharp and too painful. I asked my boyfriend to work on the tension in my back and shoulders and my shoulder blades and neck were riddled with knots. At least 5, probably more, and there were 3 alone in my upper left shoulder. Also, my lower back seized on me a few days ago when I tried to reposition myself from laying down to sitting up at an angle, which, although I've had trouble with my lower back (I blame poor posture at my day job), I don't think it's ever seized on me like that and felt so painful I literally couldn't do anything right then except lie back down the way I was.
And then there's my jaw. I've had issues with jaw clenching and teeth grinding throughout my life. A few years ago, I got a hypnosis CD for use at bedtime and over the course of a few weeks of use, it essentially ended the pain I felt when I woke up and sometimes throughout the day from clenching my jaw or grinding my teeth while I slept. I have had a day here or there since that time where I woke up with the same pain, but those days were few and far between that I was unconcerned. Those days have become far more frequent and this week, have been much more severe than they have been in years, to the point that yesterday, my teeth felt sensitive if they even touched each other gently while I spoke, and I had to actively work to keep my tongue out from between my molars (chewing on the side of my tongue is another anxiety side effect/anxious habit I have experienced, sometimes while awake, sometimes asleep).
Yesterday was better. I'm still anxious because I have a job interview (I'm mainly using it for practice because it seems a little too boring to get stuck in for who knows how many years), and just in general because I have a lot on my mind - work, after-work/weekend plans, scheduling - but the massage helped loosen up my neck and shoulders, and perhaps indirectly allowed my jaw to relax a bit, and I also did a lot of self-massage on my jaw to loosen it up so it isn't nearly as painful as it was. Still trying not to chew my tongue, but it's better than yesterday, and that's something.
Emotionally, I almost feel like my anxiety has manifested in even worse ways, and honestly, those issues are probably partially why I'm having physical symptoms as well. I feel like less forgiving and understanding than usual, more irritable, and I feel like I'm not always getting very restful sleep lately, which makes me even more irritable and short-tempered, and I feel like that negative self-talk and catastrophizing has just gone off the deep end. In emotional effects unrelated to anxiety, I think I'm also having some mood swings related to PMS, so that's always fun to add to the mix.
The catastrophizing has been really difficult to manage, because it seems like every time something goes wrong - pretty much anything - my brain wants to conflate the issue, aggrandizing into a much larger issue and assigning myself all the blame for it, even if I wasn't to blame at all, or just marginally at fault. This is causing me extreme anxiety, because I'm almost constantly in a fight/flight mode, afraid people are thinking terrible things about me, my stability, or my capabilities. It sends me into a near panic attack, a sobbing, self-deprecating mess, or a fit of rage, lashing out because I'm so emotionally overwhelmed by the thought that I may have done something injurious and didn't realize it. It's been difficult to manage, when I do manage it at all, and especially energy-draining. I have been taking time for self-care, but I think I need to over-correct in that department until I feel like my anxiety has decreased a significant amount. I've been considering professional help, and pharmaceutical aids (something I'm terrified of because I had such negative experiences with prescription side effects in the past), but I'm not sure my health insurance includes mental health visits, or enough visits to make an impact. Maybe that's not a good excuse, but if I start going and don't have sufficient coverage, I know the added financial burden would worsen my anxiety. Feels like a catch-22.
I'm hoping I'll think of something. Even if it's a temporary fix, bringing the anxiety down to a more manageable level again would be a welcome shift.
Day 24
Positive self-talk (me to me) : It's okay to take time for yourself. You sacrifice that time to accommodate others all the time, even without them asking, when they would have almost always been fine accommodating you if you needed them to. You do whatever you need to do to take care of yourself and feel good about yourself, and there is no need to feel guilty for saying no, maybe, or maybe later. People are more understanding than you think.
Jobs applied to:
- Order operations specialist at a local printing company
- Marketing Automation Manager at a tech company
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